lights out

Sometimes I daydream about the things we never did that we should have done. But I realise that makes no sense, because the things we did were what mattered. Maybe we didn’t go on walks around the city, and maybe we didn’t go swimming in a lake. Maybe we didn’t dry off under the sun on towels, or make a fire to roast marshmallows.

I never got to show you my favourite parts of the city, or take you to my favourite coffee place. We didn’t ice skate or see a movie together.

But the things we did were just you and I. No props and no distractions, just us together. And the electricity that would undoubtedly get us in trouble until the lights were out.

big dreams

August drifted by as a surprise, like it never even existed. I spent the days feeling old things, and small moments like concentrating on flicking the ashes off a cigarette from the window of your car and looking over at you mouthing the words to this song while squinting at the afternoon sun.

The air smelled like damp asphalt and the rising heat made squiggly shapes in the air like a magic trick. You’re riding solo backed by a bittersweet symphony and we’re going anywhere.

static

want to take you back to my place
and show you that I'm not always quiet and broody
you could take your shoes off while you
look at who I have chosen to hang
pictures of in the hallway and
then I could have pointed to a book I knew
that you have read too, making you notice
my bookshelves and all the words
I have chosen to keep nearby
maybe you would have checked out the stacks of movies
or the chaotic desk
pencils spread across countless drawing pads
and open notebooks everywhere
while I pressed play on the stereo
and waited for you to realise
that you should like me

i used to

Fall came along, and I didn’t hear from you again. I don’t know exactly why, and I don’t know why I didn’t ask either. But I’d walk through the mall and imagine seeing you there, moving swiftly between stores in your Nirvana t-shirt and beanie.

When winter arrived, heavy snow covering the streets and trees, I’d avoid the walk home from work, taking the subway instead. I’d stop by the art supply store, and browse for a while just in case you’d happen to be nearby.

The snow melted once again, spring just around the corner. I’d go to the park, and subconsciously search the groups of friends scattered on the grass, maybe you’d be here too.

I’d spend summer afternoons going to bars with my friends, and I knew you used to come there too. And I didn’t even notice that I looked to the door any time someone walked in. But you never did. I spent so much time looking for you without searching.

I still do, even though you don’t live here anymore.

music

Our voices blend, and your laughter fills the spaces in between. I close my eyes and listen to memories, to ghosts from the past.

I never noticed the messages you sent me, maybe I was busy being self involved. But I hear them now, much later. It’s a strange feeling, and though it always makes you wonder what if, there are no ifs. Just when.

sunkissed

There was a moment when the morning sun struck her through the window of the bus, lighting up her entire being. The golden rays played through her hair and lit it on fire, and her skin looked like porcelain. It was a moment I couldn’t forget, and I envisioned so many more moments like that, moments of such pure pride of being hers. And no one else would ever witness them. They were all mine to keep, and I saved them for rainy days and moments of doubt. It could be the thing that would always keep us afloat. It would be enough, just the memory of feeling that way. Holding onto the magic of a few minutes when everything was aligned and the warmth of being there could battle any coldness to ever occur.

Don’t forget.

when he wakes

It’s impossible to describe the feeling of seeing her again, her smile and her eyes, the way she looked at him and then looked away if their eyes locked for too long. She moves with such grace, a silent confidence she’s not even aware of.

He walks over to her and pulls her close. “It’s so good to see you”, he whispers in her ear and her head tilts slightly as if his breath tickled her neck. He lets his hands travel down along her back and rest at her waist. Such a familiar sensation, lost for the longest time. “Come back to me”, he says and forgets about all the years between them. “I will” she says and her lips meet his as they have many times before. He clings to this moment as if he’s holding on for his life, knowing it’ll soon be gone.

When he wakes, he spends the day letting her go all over again.

credits

I followed her into the streets, barefoot. I waited too long and now I can’t see her, not to the left and not to the right.

Heavy rain pours from dark grey clouds onto the black asphalt, exploding into tiny fountains as they hit the ground. In seconds I’m soaked, shivering intensely, water running from my hair down into my eyes making it even harder to see. Streams gather in the contours of my face, small rivers mixing with salty tears as a choked sound of despair escape my lips.

Suddenly I notice a small shape in the distance, leaning against the building on the corner with her arms wrapped around her tightly. I take a deep breath and try to pull my wet hair back from my face. Suddenly my resolve is wavering, as I shakily start walking toward her.

She didn’t notice me until I was stood right in front of her, so close I could feel the heat escaping her skin almost visibly evaporating.

I touched the back of her hand, and she stared into my eyes, her face wet from rain, dripping from her heart shaped lips. I slowly leaned closer, my lips touching hers only slightly. My breath heavier now, every bottled up feeling bubbling up to the surface. She didn’t move at first, just waited quietly as her eyes closed. Then I kissed her. Softly, then greedily, our bodies melted into each other as the rain washed away every accusatory word and testing doubt left.

Fade to black.

The credits are rolling and I forgot to watch the ending.

1G5G

What’s your most memorable kiss?

These questions were supposed to be on the verge of inappropriate, but in this moment nothing was harder to answer than that one.

Oh, did you just make that one up?

She laughed to avert attention away from her burning cheeks, and asked for another shot to buy some time.

Well, they’re just questions from the actual show you know - I didn’t pick them.

She wished these nights could last forever. Every time she walked through this door, she let her guard down and wiped all of her slates clean. It was as if walking into an alternate reality where nothing existed but this tiny room and nothing would remain unsaid. Maybe the degree of importance wasn’t a priority, and maybe that was the whole reason it felt good.

But for some reason, this felt too revealing. Would something be broken if the answer was you?

slumber

She came up with a terrible excuse to leave the party early. It had already become slightly unbearable when Robert arrived and insisted on following her around all night only to hit peak awkwardness with a romantic lift during a conversation about a date they had in the early days of their relationship.

As she walked out the door, taking a deep breath of rainy air, she realized she’d already had ulterior motives in the back of her mind. Three blocks away. Her shoe shoved a tiny rock back and forth as she considered sending a text.

“Hey. Are you up? ”

Delete.

“I’m in the neighborhood. Wanna hang out?”

Delete.

“Hey.”

Send. She exhaled, and retrieved a cigarette from her bag. Her hands shook as she lit it, and waited for a few moments.

Nah. Forget it. It’s late and it’s a work night, just go-

“Hey girl. What’s up?”

Damnit.

“So I just left a party and I’m on your street. Busy?”

She didn’t even know this guy. Last time they met, he kept asking stupid questions and laughing out loud as if he’d made a joke except he hadn’t

“I’m home. Wanna stop by?”

Ugh. She already regretted the text. But then again. Maybe it would be interesting. She could just grab a few drinks and stop by for an hour. What time is it? Ten fifteen. Alright.

She stopped at the dep for another pack of cigarettes and a couple of beers. Does he even like beer? Who doesn’t like beer? Shuffled back outside and two minutes later she was outside his building.

“bzzzzzzzz.”

The elevator ride up was incredibly long, plenty of time to change her mind back and forth a few more times before she found herself knocking on his door. He was wearing baggy jeans with holes in them, and his t-shirt was all torn up. She could swear he looked like he just finished painting his room, paint stained and ruffled hair.

He smiled a big stupid smile and she could feel its contagious effect all over.

“Hi.”

He didn’t really invite her in at first, which was weird and nice. They stood right there in the doorway talking about their night and week and life and then he asked if she wanted to meet his sister as a lanky girl walked by behind him. Then he asked her to come in and see his room.

She got why he hadn’t invited her in sooner, his room looked like someone had just thrown stuff in there for months. Clothes covered every available surface, and the rest was cluttered with paint and paintings and a vast amount of stuff. Small sculptures and notebooks and a broken skateboard, one million penciles and photographs of high school friends. Multiple plastic bags for some reason. The only available place to sit down was on the edge of the bed, and she added her plastic bag with Coronas into the mix.

“Beer?”

“Yeah, but I can’t find the opener. Uhm...”

She yanked the bottle using her lighter and he was acting all impressed by it.

They talked for hours about everything and anything and nothing, all his paintings and his work and her work and she pointed at photos and he told her embarrassing stories about high school and childhood, where he grew up and it was so different than who he seemed to be. But in a good way. He asked interesting questions that had nothing to do with anything in particular leading to long discussions about not much at all. Is astrology really meaningful? Where would we live if not on earth? Would flies make good pets? What happens after we die?

When she finally decided she had to leave, he followed her to the door and suddenly no words were left to be said. He stood there with this look on his face like he was laughing out loud but he wasn’t laughing. His face was bubbly and full of energy, and she had to look down at her feet. The silence lasted for so long it became awkward.

“Okay, so...Bye. Goodnight. Yes.”

She turned to leave, but noticed he held her arm firmly, and was forced to turn back around. It was as if he leaned in to kiss her, but he didn’t. So she leaned in to kiss him. Briefly. But for so long. And then she looked back down at her feet and backed out of the apartment, turned around and walked down the hallway to the elevator, got in, doors closing. Four thirty.

“Shit.”

summer

Maybe if I passed your house frequently enough, I’d be able to get a glimpse of you through the window while you were trying to decide what to wear even though I know you’re not going anywhere. And never mind the fact that I don’t actually know where your house is exactly. I know it’s somewhere around here, so I’ll just hop off this tram and take a walk around the block a few times.

Is this your block?

Maybe if I ask you if you need anything, some juice or vitamins, maybe then you’d invite me in - never mind the fact that you don’t really know me at all.

I daydream about these unexpected meetings that we’ll have when I pass by and you wave and then I say clever things, although I’m not really sure what those things would be. But it makes me smile. And I’m not sure why.

I skip work so I can spend the afternoon nearby, I have this alibi and all I want is to see you for a minute or two even if you won’t talk to me. You sit close by and I try to remember those clever things I was supposed to say but then I never came up with anything so I look away when you smile, my cheeks burning for some reason.

We’re sat in the park pavilion, talking about life loudly and things emerge from my mouth in the attempt to impress you with my wordliness only to throw me into an internal frantic state of panic when I realise I'm lost in words.

When you disappear from the dance floor for a minute or two, I pretend that I’m not looking for you and I pretend I’m not jealous when my eyes find you in the company of someone else.

I sit down in the middle of a group of people I don’t know, talking loudly to distract myself from this need to be around you and when the night comes to an end I walk out the door and let out a little laugh in relief, I can retreat and regroup and get myself together.

“Afterparty?”

Oh.

As the city outside is melting in the summer heat, we spend the night cooling off on the floor in my living room talking about everything and anything and as the hours pass by and our words fill the room my hand accidentally touches yours and there’s a sudden quiet.

Maybe we should get some sleep.