raison d’être

The lake breaks into ripples as I dip my toe in, and in an instant everything has changed because of it.

Every time I try to wrap my head around that, my mind explodes and implodes simultaneously, like I’m trying to understand the reason, the universe and everything, but there’s nothing to grab hold of and I could just keep falling into nothingness forever except I’m not going anywhere. And nothingness doesn’t exist yet.

I remember the feeling of chasing her through these woods, reminding her how this wasn’t a game, trying to reason with her expectations of how people are. I tried being bare and honest, telling her everything upfront as an experiment caused by my experiences - I guess that’s what we keep doing to help ourselves move forward. But it didn’t work. I decided to move forward while she stayed back, and I must have left her behind.

Sometimes life was like a movie and we were the starring cast, the softness of our togetherness a comforting backstory, the dramatic clashes had no comparison, and when we tried explaining it to someone who hadn’t been watching, the words got lost in slow emotion, something that seemed so meaningful as it played out across the screen became useless words to explain feelings that couldn’t be seen. And then all that mattered were the words, and they were what weren’t enough.

I was becoming more selfish as I tried to fit my needs onto her life, it was a size too small, I pulled and tugged until the seams were ripping and her bones were exposed, until she couldn’t breathe. I never once gave her any credit for being her

So here I am, watching the lake ripple, taking in the consequences of my choices. Would I hit rewind if I could?