bonne nuit

You were exactly what I needed then, in my absolute darkest hour. I was crawled up in my bed 24/7, waking only for short periods of time weeping silent tears or eating ice cream with a fork straight out of the container waiting to fall back asleep.

My partner left to pick you up out in nowhere land from the animal protection centre, meanwhile I was still curled up in my sheets trying to breathe. Then the bell rang and for no particular reason I decided to open the door. There you were, in a crate held by a stranger telling me he was tasked to deliver you here. He opened the crate and let you out into our apartment. I didn’t feel anything at all, as I hadn’t for a while. I paid him the due fee, and closed the door behind him, trotting back into bed. I knew cats usually needed to get familiar with everything, so I said: “You just check things out, and I’ll be here, okay?” and crept back underneath my duvet. My back had only just hit the mattress when I felt your tiny paws against my tummy, and you curled up on top of me into a tiny ball and closed your eyes, vibrating quietly. Some emotion stirred deep inside me, and I felt less alone suddenly. We fell asleep together.

That was 16 years ago. And since then, you’ve been with me almost every day, you’ve moved with me to two different countries and back home, you’ve comforted me when I fell apart and you have annoyed me like none other. You’ve raised me to be neat and never leave anything on the floor, under the threat of peeing on it. You’ve never shown me anything but unconditional love. I’ve had long 4 a.m. conversations with you about everything that has happened in my life. You’ve tolerated my desperate chain smoking and sleepless nights, and you’ve curled up in my arms through all of them.

Today, you took your very last breath because of me. And I’m so sorry that you had to leave. I hope that wherever you are, you are safe and happy and healthy, and you have all the love you deserve. And I love you so very much, my beautiful Nuit. Good night.